i guess it's about time to transition this blog into a 'dordal family' blog. i have always been hesitant about starting a blog and then everything with ella happened and we thought it would be a good way to keep people updated and praying for specifics. as i have blogged over the past year and a half it has grown on me. i can hear a few friends saying, "yes! i knew she would be sucked in!" :)
i feel like it will be a good way to document the kid's milestones, family happenings, update faraway family, and have something for our family to look back on as a 'journal' of words and pictures. posts may be few and far between at times, but to know i have this space to 'jot things down' from time to time will be nice.
so here it is:
The Dordal Family
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
by god's grace
we brought ella home for the first time 1 year ago today! such a happy, happy day. tears and laughter all rolled into one.
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| Goodbye and thank you Deaconess NICU |
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| Walking our for the last time after visiting twice a day for 70 days |
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| Last ride down the elevator with our baby!! |
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| HOME!! |
Saturday, January 14, 2012
an eventful start to 2012
we said hello to january 1st 2012 at 12 am, went to bed, and woke up for the day. like a birthday, it kind of just felt like the year before. so we went to bed that night ready for another typical year to get underway. that didn't last all that long...
erik got up around 1am on january 2nd to get a drink of water &
he heard an out-of-character-cry from ella's room and immediately went in her room to find her convulsing in her crib. his first thoughts were she was having a heart attack or a stroke or something. please don't take her God, and hold her close to keep her safe. he ran yelling for me to wake up and call 911 as ella convulsed in his arms. i called and stayed on the line saying my 1 year old daughter may be having a seizure or heart problem. she was born early with an enlarged heart. it felt like forever waiting for the emts to arrive. erik was yelling and pleading for ella to stay with us and for jesus to not take her yet. the boys woke up from all the commotion and became very frightened. i stayed on line in the boys' room with the door closed asking if they were close, saying 'please jesus' over and over, praying with the boys trying to comfort them, repeating that ella was born with a heart problem and that somebody needed to get here now!
the ambulance and fire department arrived. erik was with ella in the living room. she had slowly stopped convulsing and for a moment it seemed like she stopped breathing. erik said that in that moment he thought 'this is it. we were only supposed to have 1 year with ella.' then she seemed to come around, she opened her eyes and started her complaining-cry. she seemed so tired. the emts said it was probably a febrile seizure, but because of her history it would be good for her to go to the hospital.
somewhere in there i managed to call my sister so that she could be with the boys. erik rode in the ambulance with ella, i waited for my sister and then went to the hospital. we were there until about 5 am as they conducted tests and x-rays. it ended up not being heart related at all and most likely a febrile seizure.
we went home and slept.
the next day it felt like a dream to me. erik kept asking if i was ok and if i needed to talk. i was really somber and distant. partly because i was dealing with fear again and partly because i had been feeling a little off.
erik can always tell that i need some alone time when i get like that so he told me to go to the store by myself since we needed a few things. i grabbed everything on my list and then threw in, you know, a pregnancy test at the last minute. it was kind of a grab, look away, and mumble to myself as i speed walk to the checkout line.
when i got home all the kids were napping and erik was running on our treadmill. i put our goods away and then went to the bathroom to take care of business. no, not that kind of business....the pregnancy test business. right when i laid it on the counter the necessary stripe for a positive pregnancy was immediately there nice and bold. i backed away from the test walking out where one of our boys was awake in the living room. i was crying and may have said a swear word (i usually only swear when it is absolutely appropriate and this felt appropriate...is that ok to admit?). i walked back in to the bathroom, took a picture of the test with my phone, and texted it to erik who was on the treadmill. luckily it didn't cause an accident and erik was up the stairs unscathed. he had big eyes. i had big eyes. we said nothing since the kids were around. i had tears rolling down my face and he told me that we would be ok.
so many emotions. anxiety, sadness, excitement, fear, nervousness. i share both of these long stories that happened all within 12 hours to communicate my struggles with fear and relinquishing control.
fear of the unknown: health, numbered days, death, 4 children
trying to control when i should let go: 4 children, needing a new vehicle, where to put kids in our home, schooling, money
like erik said....we will be ok. even though we didn't plan all of this, God did. it will work itself out or rather God will work it out if we let go of our fears and trust. i never thought i would be so fearful. why am i so fearful?
a friend posted this and i am going 'to willingly accept all that God assigns and to gladly surrender all that I am and have to Him.'
so here we go 2012! bring it!
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
erik got up around 1am on january 2nd to get a drink of water &
he heard an out-of-character-cry from ella's room and immediately went in her room to find her convulsing in her crib. his first thoughts were she was having a heart attack or a stroke or something. please don't take her God, and hold her close to keep her safe. he ran yelling for me to wake up and call 911 as ella convulsed in his arms. i called and stayed on the line saying my 1 year old daughter may be having a seizure or heart problem. she was born early with an enlarged heart. it felt like forever waiting for the emts to arrive. erik was yelling and pleading for ella to stay with us and for jesus to not take her yet. the boys woke up from all the commotion and became very frightened. i stayed on line in the boys' room with the door closed asking if they were close, saying 'please jesus' over and over, praying with the boys trying to comfort them, repeating that ella was born with a heart problem and that somebody needed to get here now!
the ambulance and fire department arrived. erik was with ella in the living room. she had slowly stopped convulsing and for a moment it seemed like she stopped breathing. erik said that in that moment he thought 'this is it. we were only supposed to have 1 year with ella.' then she seemed to come around, she opened her eyes and started her complaining-cry. she seemed so tired. the emts said it was probably a febrile seizure, but because of her history it would be good for her to go to the hospital.
somewhere in there i managed to call my sister so that she could be with the boys. erik rode in the ambulance with ella, i waited for my sister and then went to the hospital. we were there until about 5 am as they conducted tests and x-rays. it ended up not being heart related at all and most likely a febrile seizure.
we went home and slept.
the next day it felt like a dream to me. erik kept asking if i was ok and if i needed to talk. i was really somber and distant. partly because i was dealing with fear again and partly because i had been feeling a little off.
erik can always tell that i need some alone time when i get like that so he told me to go to the store by myself since we needed a few things. i grabbed everything on my list and then threw in, you know, a pregnancy test at the last minute. it was kind of a grab, look away, and mumble to myself as i speed walk to the checkout line.
when i got home all the kids were napping and erik was running on our treadmill. i put our goods away and then went to the bathroom to take care of business. no, not that kind of business....the pregnancy test business. right when i laid it on the counter the necessary stripe for a positive pregnancy was immediately there nice and bold. i backed away from the test walking out where one of our boys was awake in the living room. i was crying and may have said a swear word (i usually only swear when it is absolutely appropriate and this felt appropriate...is that ok to admit?). i walked back in to the bathroom, took a picture of the test with my phone, and texted it to erik who was on the treadmill. luckily it didn't cause an accident and erik was up the stairs unscathed. he had big eyes. i had big eyes. we said nothing since the kids were around. i had tears rolling down my face and he told me that we would be ok.
so many emotions. anxiety, sadness, excitement, fear, nervousness. i share both of these long stories that happened all within 12 hours to communicate my struggles with fear and relinquishing control.
fear of the unknown: health, numbered days, death, 4 children
trying to control when i should let go: 4 children, needing a new vehicle, where to put kids in our home, schooling, money
like erik said....we will be ok. even though we didn't plan all of this, God did. it will work itself out or rather God will work it out if we let go of our fears and trust. i never thought i would be so fearful. why am i so fearful?
a friend posted this and i am going 'to willingly accept all that God assigns and to gladly surrender all that I am and have to Him.'
so here we go 2012! bring it!
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
Thursday, December 29, 2011
happy birthdays and a merry christmas
the dordals celebrate like no other from november through january. such a happy, happy, busy, busy 3 months that include:
nov 10 - ella's b-day
nov twenty something - thanksgiving
dec 4 - ayden's b-day
dec 10 - erik's b-day
dec 25 - jesus's b-day
jan 1 - new years day
jan 3- elijah's b-day
lots of celebrations of thankfulness. so thankful for family, Jesus, His promises, and births. here are a few pics of recent happenings. happy faces everywhere.
nov 10 - ella's b-day
nov twenty something - thanksgiving
dec 4 - ayden's b-day
dec 10 - erik's b-day
dec 25 - jesus's b-day
jan 1 - new years day
jan 3- elijah's b-day
lots of celebrations of thankfulness. so thankful for family, Jesus, His promises, and births. here are a few pics of recent happenings. happy faces everywhere.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Ella's 1st Birthday Party
We had Ella's birthday party about a week and a half ago. We really wanted it to be a celebration. I really feel like there was this huge build up to her party for Erik and I. A lot of processing. I 'processed' by planning the biggest and most decorated party I have ever done and Erik 'processed' by putting together the most touching video of Ella's first year of life. I know....who's the shallow one. ;) For some reason, though, this party was a big deal to us. Like a milestone that we just wanted to get past.
We invited so many people because we wanted it to be a celebration of life that glorified God for all that He has done. Also a celebration of our friends and family, a wonderful community that surrounded us with love, food, prayer, laughter, and tears when we most needed it. We are so thankful for all of them and wanted an opportunity to say 'thank you!' in person.
So enjoy pictures of a grand birthday party. If you know me, I am not one to go all out for my children's birthday parties. I usually try to keep it simple, but this was a lot of firsts: first birthday, first girl....so that's my excuse. Thank you all for your support. On to a new year of growing and trusting.
We invited so many people because we wanted it to be a celebration of life that glorified God for all that He has done. Also a celebration of our friends and family, a wonderful community that surrounded us with love, food, prayer, laughter, and tears when we most needed it. We are so thankful for all of them and wanted an opportunity to say 'thank you!' in person.
So enjoy pictures of a grand birthday party. If you know me, I am not one to go all out for my children's birthday parties. I usually try to keep it simple, but this was a lot of firsts: first birthday, first girl....so that's my excuse. Thank you all for your support. On to a new year of growing and trusting.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Ella's 1st Year
Her actual birthday was 2 days ago, but today was her party to celebrate it. What a wonderful, crazy, amazing year.
We've been reflecting on her 1st year a lot lately & it's really brought us back to her beginning. Even with something as wild as Ella's 1st couple of months, as time passes it becomes easy to forget what it was like. So its been good for us to reflect on it. To replay the sequence of events, to remind ourselves how we felt. To remember how God healed her & carried us through.
We also remember how much love & support we received from all of our friends, family & even strangers. Thanks again for everything!
I finally completed this video which kind of sums up Ella's journey so far. It's a bit over 10 minutes long, but we had a lot of content. :) Enjoy!
We've been reflecting on her 1st year a lot lately & it's really brought us back to her beginning. Even with something as wild as Ella's 1st couple of months, as time passes it becomes easy to forget what it was like. So its been good for us to reflect on it. To replay the sequence of events, to remind ourselves how we felt. To remember how God healed her & carried us through.
We also remember how much love & support we received from all of our friends, family & even strangers. Thanks again for everything!
I finally completed this video which kind of sums up Ella's journey so far. It's a bit over 10 minutes long, but we had a lot of content. :) Enjoy!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
the weather is changing
the weather is changing and we are approaching november 10th when ella was born. it seems like a lifetime ago, but it went by so fast at the same time. as the holidays seem to creep up on us i have been surprisingly sentimental and 'reflect-y'...i can say that right? i look out my window at the wind, changing leaves, and drop in temperature and can't help but let my thoughts wander back to this time almost a year ago.
so i was going to officially write out that day and the days that led up to it as i remember it.
i had been experiencing unusual and, at times, unbearable pain for 2-3 weeks. my personality usually pushes feelings, emotions, and physical pain away and tries to tell myself 'oh it's nothing'. my husband can attest to this. ;) so i really tried to continue on with the tasks of being a stay at home mom. our family went on a trip to tacoma the weekend of nov 6-7 for my grandparent's anniversary and i was in such pain just walking around and so uncomfortable even sitting. i kept thinking how odd this was and how different this was from my first 2 pregnancies. of course this made everyone assume i was having a girl since it was such a different pregnancy (we were waiting to find out the sex). we did the normal walk around downtown seattle, looking at shops, people watching, eating yummy food, but i could not keep up. i usually sat somewhere, waited, and met up with the rest of my family here and there. my sister was so surprised and thought something seemed strange since i would not even look around the shops....she knows me so well. ;)
we left seattle and started the drive home. i would sit in the car in tears over the pain. piercing pressure. we stopped for gas and i got out to use the bathroom and was stopped in my tracks because of the pain. i was riding with my husband, 2 sons, and my mom and dad. there were 2 nurses at starbucks who noticed i was in pain and asked when i was due. i told them i had 2 more months! they were so surprised and told me to take it easy. my belly really was sticking out there and people would always comment that i looked ready and ripe. my parents and husband were all saying that we should make an appointment monday morning for me and baby to be checked out. i agreed, but told them they will probably just tell me to stay in bed and drink water...maybe it was because we were traveling.
monday morning (nov 8) i called in and they said my doctor wasn't available, but i could come in and see a nurse. so i went in and they hooked me up to a monitor to see if i was having contractions. no signs of any labor going on. they told me that if i feel the same tomorrow to call in for an appointment.
i woke up the next morning (nov 9) with no changes: i could barely walk around without unbearable pressure in my lower abdomen. i called in and they set up an appointment. i decided i should bring my mom just in case i needed some advice or pushing in getting things checked out more in depth. sometimes i just don't want to be a bother so i just nod and move on when i should be questioning things more. a little quality of mine that i am working on. so my doctor saw me and questioned me and he decided i should have an ultrasound done just to check positioning and to check if we could see what the problem was. he scheduled an ultrasound for the next day, november 10th. i said 'ok' and then as we were walking out i told my mom that maybe we should go back and ask him if it is really necessary. ultrasounds were expensive for us even with our insurance so i didn't want anything frivolous. i told my mom 'they will probably just tell me to rest in bed and drink water.' i really just thought i would have to ride this pregnancy out and just bear with it. my mom went back and snagged our doctor in the hallway and asked if it was really necessary to have an ultrasound and because of financial reasons, we wanted to be sure we needed it. our doctor assured my mom that we should go in just because this has felt so different from my first 2 pregnancies, which he was also my doctor for. so it was confirmed that i should do it.
the next morning it was wednesday, november 10th. i remember waking up and looking at my belly, talking to it, rubbing it, and just laying there not feeling like moving to provoke any pain. erik was sleeping downstairs because i just needed space. you know how that is sometimes, right moms? :) he had his phone close by and i had my phone close by.....just in case. so i took a picture of my belly and texted it to erik with the caption 'baby and mama say good morning to you papa.'
so we got up for the day. erik got all of his things ready for work because he was going straight to work after the ultrasound. i showered and put the usual suspects on...sweats, t-shirt, and a zip up hoody. my mom came over to watch our boys and we were off to deaconess.
we were in the waiting room doing the normal day-to-day things. erik was working on his phone for work and i was looking at a parenting magazine glancing at a morning show on the tv every once in awhile. they called for me. we walked to the ultrasound room without even looking back at our normal day-to-day waiting room. the tech started the ultrasound asking if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. we told her we were waiting. she moved around on my belly checking the baby's positioning. the ultrasound lasted an hour or so....she did a lot of checking and asking me to change positions. there was a point when we saw the baby's heart and i furrowed my eyebrows and looked to erik. i asked her if it was normal for the heart to look that big. she said that was what she was checking out.
to be honest, as i type this i am getting dizzy, shaky, and becoming numb.
she told me to get dressed and that she would take her findings to the doctor. that kind of raised a red flag for me. i asked erik if that was normal for them to take it to a doctor. i didn't remember them ever doing that before. he began to be my wonderful support right then and there and told me to not worry. we will be taken care of.
another nurse or tech came in, red flag again because it wasn't the same tech, and told us to follow her to a room where the doctor would tell us about his findings. i followed her, kind of in a haze. we sat at a circle table, in a bright room, erik to my right. the doctor walked in and said 'i have very, very bad news.' i chuckled and i clearly remember thinking 'silly doctor joking with us'. then his face didn't crack and my body went numb.
then there was a yellow tablet of paper, boxes of kleenex appearing, erik leaning in, the doctor writing on the tablet, tears streaming down my face. words popped out at me from the paper....cardiomyopathy, left ventricle, heart, fluids. more tears and closing of my eyes. i opened my eyes and the doctor looked at me 'we need to get your baby out in the next couple of hours or your baby could die. to be honest we don't really know what the outcome will be, we just need to get the baby out.' i remember sucking air in a breathing out an "ok". the doctor walked out and erik and i completely broke down. i cried out 'we are going to lose our baby!!' erik said 'don't say that.' i grabbed my phone thinking we need people to pray right now. i told erik that he needs to call my mom since she had our boys. erik sobbed out what was happening to my mom. i texted close friends through eyes blurred with tears telling them to pray, which they received and spread the word.
a nurse came back to get us, guiding me to a wheelchair. she pushed me by the normal day-to-day waiting room that seemed like a lifetime ago. i looked into the eyes of the waiting people with tears streaming down my face wishing i could go back.
from here, i feel like things got really choppy.
dressing in a gown, putting my clothes in a white plastic bag, laying on a bed, nurses asking me questions, iv's going in, monitors hooked up, my mouth numb. being pushed into the operating room, people everywhere, epidural, tubes in my nose, my arms being strapped straight out like a T. my eyes searching for erik, my doctor showing up to my side with tears in his eyes. teeth chattering, a curtain being raised above my belly...and then a weight lifted. my baby. a few minutes went by and my mind was blank. a nurse said i had a baby girl, tears streamed down from the corners of my eyes. erik came to my side and said 'we have a baby girl!' i smiled and someone asked if we had a name. erik looked at me and said 'ella louise?' i nodded, thinking 'good thing it was a girl' because we had a name for a girl, but didn't have a name for a boy yet.
erik left to be with ella and they finished closing me back up. no thoughts, blank. not even 'is she going to make it?' just blank. they wheeled me into a recovery room where i lay there chattering and shaking and my family came in. mom, dad, matt, andi. if you know this family of mine, we are a quiet one. i could not explain how much i appreciated this right then. they came and sat with me, squeezing my hand or my leg, feeding me ice, looking into my eyes telling me all i needed to know only with their eyes.
erik came in and looked at me and said we could go see ella. he helped push my bed into the nicu where i saw ella for the first time. she was so little and innocent. i stared at her and a nurse said i could touch her. i reached out and rubbed the back of my hand on her shoulder. i wasn't sure how or what to do. i saw a nurse with a camera so i mustered up a smile. i had a daughter after all.
then they wheeled me out to take me to my room. as i was being pushed out i saw friends and family standing in the hallway. again, all i needed to know was in their eyes and i appreciated it so much.
erik and i got to our room. i stared at the empty baby bassinet. so many times during our stay there, i would look at that thing with anger and sadness. i told myself that if i had the strength and physical ability i would get up and shove that thing over as hard as i could. something i am ashamed to admit, but it's true.
as soon as i had enough strength i decided being wheeled up to see ella would be a good choice.
our stay in the hospital and ella's first year of life has pretty much been documented with the ups and downs. i just wanted to put down on 'paper' the details of how it all transpired as i remember it.
it really is unreal to think back on and to revisit all these feelings i had.
i am still struggling and searching.
why save my baby and not the many others? then i remember His love and sovereignty and it makes me think pretty hard about things.
will her heart be ok as she grows and gains weight? then i remember to give my children to Him again.
as a mom i want to protect and guide my children. i always feel like they define me right now in this stage of life i'm in. but....i am not in control and i need to continue trusting Jesus to hold them. i need Jesus to define me, which will in turn pour into my children. not sure if that makes sense, but like i said, i am searching.
i love you my dear, sweet daughter ella. you are almost 1 year old! can you believe it?
so i was going to officially write out that day and the days that led up to it as i remember it.
i had been experiencing unusual and, at times, unbearable pain for 2-3 weeks. my personality usually pushes feelings, emotions, and physical pain away and tries to tell myself 'oh it's nothing'. my husband can attest to this. ;) so i really tried to continue on with the tasks of being a stay at home mom. our family went on a trip to tacoma the weekend of nov 6-7 for my grandparent's anniversary and i was in such pain just walking around and so uncomfortable even sitting. i kept thinking how odd this was and how different this was from my first 2 pregnancies. of course this made everyone assume i was having a girl since it was such a different pregnancy (we were waiting to find out the sex). we did the normal walk around downtown seattle, looking at shops, people watching, eating yummy food, but i could not keep up. i usually sat somewhere, waited, and met up with the rest of my family here and there. my sister was so surprised and thought something seemed strange since i would not even look around the shops....she knows me so well. ;)
we left seattle and started the drive home. i would sit in the car in tears over the pain. piercing pressure. we stopped for gas and i got out to use the bathroom and was stopped in my tracks because of the pain. i was riding with my husband, 2 sons, and my mom and dad. there were 2 nurses at starbucks who noticed i was in pain and asked when i was due. i told them i had 2 more months! they were so surprised and told me to take it easy. my belly really was sticking out there and people would always comment that i looked ready and ripe. my parents and husband were all saying that we should make an appointment monday morning for me and baby to be checked out. i agreed, but told them they will probably just tell me to stay in bed and drink water...maybe it was because we were traveling.
monday morning (nov 8) i called in and they said my doctor wasn't available, but i could come in and see a nurse. so i went in and they hooked me up to a monitor to see if i was having contractions. no signs of any labor going on. they told me that if i feel the same tomorrow to call in for an appointment.
i woke up the next morning (nov 9) with no changes: i could barely walk around without unbearable pressure in my lower abdomen. i called in and they set up an appointment. i decided i should bring my mom just in case i needed some advice or pushing in getting things checked out more in depth. sometimes i just don't want to be a bother so i just nod and move on when i should be questioning things more. a little quality of mine that i am working on. so my doctor saw me and questioned me and he decided i should have an ultrasound done just to check positioning and to check if we could see what the problem was. he scheduled an ultrasound for the next day, november 10th. i said 'ok' and then as we were walking out i told my mom that maybe we should go back and ask him if it is really necessary. ultrasounds were expensive for us even with our insurance so i didn't want anything frivolous. i told my mom 'they will probably just tell me to rest in bed and drink water.' i really just thought i would have to ride this pregnancy out and just bear with it. my mom went back and snagged our doctor in the hallway and asked if it was really necessary to have an ultrasound and because of financial reasons, we wanted to be sure we needed it. our doctor assured my mom that we should go in just because this has felt so different from my first 2 pregnancies, which he was also my doctor for. so it was confirmed that i should do it.
the next morning it was wednesday, november 10th. i remember waking up and looking at my belly, talking to it, rubbing it, and just laying there not feeling like moving to provoke any pain. erik was sleeping downstairs because i just needed space. you know how that is sometimes, right moms? :) he had his phone close by and i had my phone close by.....just in case. so i took a picture of my belly and texted it to erik with the caption 'baby and mama say good morning to you papa.'
so we got up for the day. erik got all of his things ready for work because he was going straight to work after the ultrasound. i showered and put the usual suspects on...sweats, t-shirt, and a zip up hoody. my mom came over to watch our boys and we were off to deaconess.
we were in the waiting room doing the normal day-to-day things. erik was working on his phone for work and i was looking at a parenting magazine glancing at a morning show on the tv every once in awhile. they called for me. we walked to the ultrasound room without even looking back at our normal day-to-day waiting room. the tech started the ultrasound asking if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. we told her we were waiting. she moved around on my belly checking the baby's positioning. the ultrasound lasted an hour or so....she did a lot of checking and asking me to change positions. there was a point when we saw the baby's heart and i furrowed my eyebrows and looked to erik. i asked her if it was normal for the heart to look that big. she said that was what she was checking out.
to be honest, as i type this i am getting dizzy, shaky, and becoming numb.
she told me to get dressed and that she would take her findings to the doctor. that kind of raised a red flag for me. i asked erik if that was normal for them to take it to a doctor. i didn't remember them ever doing that before. he began to be my wonderful support right then and there and told me to not worry. we will be taken care of.
another nurse or tech came in, red flag again because it wasn't the same tech, and told us to follow her to a room where the doctor would tell us about his findings. i followed her, kind of in a haze. we sat at a circle table, in a bright room, erik to my right. the doctor walked in and said 'i have very, very bad news.' i chuckled and i clearly remember thinking 'silly doctor joking with us'. then his face didn't crack and my body went numb.
then there was a yellow tablet of paper, boxes of kleenex appearing, erik leaning in, the doctor writing on the tablet, tears streaming down my face. words popped out at me from the paper....cardiomyopathy, left ventricle, heart, fluids. more tears and closing of my eyes. i opened my eyes and the doctor looked at me 'we need to get your baby out in the next couple of hours or your baby could die. to be honest we don't really know what the outcome will be, we just need to get the baby out.' i remember sucking air in a breathing out an "ok". the doctor walked out and erik and i completely broke down. i cried out 'we are going to lose our baby!!' erik said 'don't say that.' i grabbed my phone thinking we need people to pray right now. i told erik that he needs to call my mom since she had our boys. erik sobbed out what was happening to my mom. i texted close friends through eyes blurred with tears telling them to pray, which they received and spread the word.
a nurse came back to get us, guiding me to a wheelchair. she pushed me by the normal day-to-day waiting room that seemed like a lifetime ago. i looked into the eyes of the waiting people with tears streaming down my face wishing i could go back.
from here, i feel like things got really choppy.
dressing in a gown, putting my clothes in a white plastic bag, laying on a bed, nurses asking me questions, iv's going in, monitors hooked up, my mouth numb. being pushed into the operating room, people everywhere, epidural, tubes in my nose, my arms being strapped straight out like a T. my eyes searching for erik, my doctor showing up to my side with tears in his eyes. teeth chattering, a curtain being raised above my belly...and then a weight lifted. my baby. a few minutes went by and my mind was blank. a nurse said i had a baby girl, tears streamed down from the corners of my eyes. erik came to my side and said 'we have a baby girl!' i smiled and someone asked if we had a name. erik looked at me and said 'ella louise?' i nodded, thinking 'good thing it was a girl' because we had a name for a girl, but didn't have a name for a boy yet.
erik left to be with ella and they finished closing me back up. no thoughts, blank. not even 'is she going to make it?' just blank. they wheeled me into a recovery room where i lay there chattering and shaking and my family came in. mom, dad, matt, andi. if you know this family of mine, we are a quiet one. i could not explain how much i appreciated this right then. they came and sat with me, squeezing my hand or my leg, feeding me ice, looking into my eyes telling me all i needed to know only with their eyes.
erik came in and looked at me and said we could go see ella. he helped push my bed into the nicu where i saw ella for the first time. she was so little and innocent. i stared at her and a nurse said i could touch her. i reached out and rubbed the back of my hand on her shoulder. i wasn't sure how or what to do. i saw a nurse with a camera so i mustered up a smile. i had a daughter after all.
then they wheeled me out to take me to my room. as i was being pushed out i saw friends and family standing in the hallway. again, all i needed to know was in their eyes and i appreciated it so much.
erik and i got to our room. i stared at the empty baby bassinet. so many times during our stay there, i would look at that thing with anger and sadness. i told myself that if i had the strength and physical ability i would get up and shove that thing over as hard as i could. something i am ashamed to admit, but it's true.
as soon as i had enough strength i decided being wheeled up to see ella would be a good choice.
our stay in the hospital and ella's first year of life has pretty much been documented with the ups and downs. i just wanted to put down on 'paper' the details of how it all transpired as i remember it.
it really is unreal to think back on and to revisit all these feelings i had.
i am still struggling and searching.
why save my baby and not the many others? then i remember His love and sovereignty and it makes me think pretty hard about things.
will her heart be ok as she grows and gains weight? then i remember to give my children to Him again.
as a mom i want to protect and guide my children. i always feel like they define me right now in this stage of life i'm in. but....i am not in control and i need to continue trusting Jesus to hold them. i need Jesus to define me, which will in turn pour into my children. not sure if that makes sense, but like i said, i am searching.
i love you my dear, sweet daughter ella. you are almost 1 year old! can you believe it?
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