Wow, that was a rough day. But then again, if your day includes getting asked by a group of doctors how far you want them to go to bring your precious little baby back to life if things get really bad, it probably won't be a great one. Especially when those doctors don't really see anything to suggest that it will be possible for your new little treasure to survive for the long haul. Ella's heart is about as sick as it can get, we've been told. And we can't do anything unless it gets significantly better on its own, which they believe is pretty much not possible given her prematurity & other complications.
That's the 3rd time we've felt like all our hopes were being crushed. To sit there & hear about the likelihood that at some point there may be nothing any doctor or nurse can do to keep my baby alive is the hardest thing I've ever had to endure as a father. Its a harsh reality that we aren't faced with yet, but we might be if Ella's condition quickly goes downhill (which they fear it could).
After weeping a bit in hopelessness, an amazing thing happened. I felt so utterly helpless, desperate & insignificant as I laid on the ground. But somehow I had a moment of clarity - realizing how awesome, amazing & loving our Creator is. I had a deep drink of "the peace that transcends all understanding". I know that was something a number of people have prayed specifically for us, but its not like I was asking God for it in that moment. It was just there. And it really was beyond all understanding, that's all I can say. I thanked Him for Ella. For how beautiful & perfectly imperfect she is. For the wonderful little beauty mark on her forehead & my newest ritual of kissing it every time we leave her. I remembered that God is Love and everything He does is out of love. If He saves Ella''s body, it will be out of love. If he decides to bring her to His house - to a room prepared for her since the beginning of time - it will be out of love. That conversation with the doctors & the anguish of going through it is also out of love. And it leaves me in awe because I don't understand it. But I do feel it.
So what originally saddened, angered & offended me, turned out to be a real touch of grace. As we sat after the meeting, it was apparent that we do need to be prepared that God's will might be to take Ella from this world. Because ultimately, there's really nothing we can do in our own power to make her well. Now if you think that sounds like throwing in the towel, think again. I will pray & plead with God to repair her heart more than ever. Christa & I would give anything to actually hold her in our arms, hear her cry, lay her down to sleep - so we will continue to pray for that day. And I think I'm more hopeful now because the anxiety & worry is gone, at least for now. Even with peace, I know that this is a hard road - no matter the outcome. My heart is heavily burdened & emotions can't be contained (cried while typing this). But we know that the unbelievable support of our family, friends & complete strangers, which has held us up during this time, will continue to do so. Not because it's an obligation, or because it makes other Christians feel good to hear me say that. But because Christ's love compels us to love.
Maybe it wasn't such a bad day
P.S. Here are a few of the great photos taken by Ellie Irvin the other day (capturedbyellie.com). Thank you again, Ellie.